My Parenting Experiences…

Parenting Experiences

View more presentations from Suresh Krishna Madhuvarsu.

Parenting Styles

Following is the summary of the thesis from the famous clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind.

1. Authoritarian Parenting
   In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.” These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (1991).
2. Authoritative Parenting
   Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be “assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (1991).
3. Permissive Parenting
   Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (1991). Permissive parents are generally, “nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent”.
4. Uninvolved Parenting
   An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.

The Impact of Parenting Styles

What effect do these parenting styles have on child development outcomes? In addition to Baumrind’s initial study of 100 preschool children, researchers have conducted numerous other studies than have led to a number of conclusions about the impact of parenting styles on children.

• Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.
• Authoritive parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).
• Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.
• Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

Lead your kids by example

Did you hear your kids saying “Come on… you dont know how hard it is” or “You dont know about it”. Very often parents want kids to do everything they did not do in the childhood. If one dreamed of becoming an Actor and did not do it, he would gently push their kids into Acting and i am sure you would have seen many such cases around you.

In short, “Parents live their dreams in their kids”.

There seems to be a general tendency that the kids become the exact replica of parents in most aspects. They have similar interests, hobbies, traits and etcetera.  However, here is the problem. Some kids are NATURALLY inclined to do something while other are FORCED to do the same. When you are trying out what your kid likes, initially there are some experiments you would do with your kids.  Most of the times parents think that the experimentation works well and dont overlook their natural talent.

Sending kids to Dancing, Singing, Karate, Swimming, Soccer, Baseball and other would only give them some physical activity and acts as a means to spend time. If this is complemented by the natural interest in the kids, that would yield the maximum result. For instance, when a kid has the natural inclination in Music, sending them to Swimming and Baseball will not help that kid. However, it may give you an instant gratification as your kid is fulfilling your dream of baseball ???

Even for great parents, sometimes they fail to lead kids by examples. If a father is interested in working out and jogging, it is natural for the kids to go along with father. If a mother has the natural talent of the Art Work and does lot of paintings and exhibitions in the local community, kids naturally find the interest in the Art. If Parents have the good values and ethics in the life, they could explain it to kids and they will follow. If Father is a good swimmer, naturally kids show interest in that. When parents are good or experts at a thing, they usually can explain, coach and train kids better than other parents who are not. Of course, there are always exceptions to any theory and so is this. I was particularly amazed when one of the kid told her mom  (who does not know swimming) that she has lot of leg pain and mother should not ask her any help. In another situation a son says to father that, “I am very tired after the swimming lesson and i need to relax”.

In the situations where you dont have a practical experience with something, it becomes very difficult to persuade or motivate your kids. I was talking to a mom who said that her daughter watches a lot of TV in the evening and they are not able to stop her. But the irony is the Mom herself watches a lot of TV and she is almost addicted to it. So now when “this mom” asks her not to watch TV, the daughter will be like…”what the heck…how come she can watch the TV and I can’t ?”. Therefore, Leading by Example has a profound effect on kids. In the end, these are the values that you want to pass on to them.

Did you get into such situations ? How did you solve them ? Do you lead your kids by example ?

Spending Quality Time with Kids

Before i talk about it, here is what i mean by Quality Time.

Quality time is a reference to time spent with loved ones such as spouse, kids, parents, or friends. This time is considered as in some way important, special, productive or profitable. It is time that is set aside for paying full and undivided attention to the person/matter at hand. It may also refer to time spent performing some favored activity (e.g., a hobby). The opportunity to experience quality time, or the actual time available to enjoy quality time is often limited. However, this is outweighed by the importance, intensity or value attached to events or interactions which occur during quality time. Quality time therefore has a degree of emotional or social “quality” which other aspects of personal life may lack.

Why should parents spend Quality Time with kids ?

This seems to be an easy and irrelevant question but it’s not. Many parents “think” and “believe” that they are doing the right things to their kids in terms of spending “Quality Time”. But in the later part of life parents pass on lot of unintended side-effects to kids. Here is what i consider as “Quality Time” events and “Pretend Quality Time” events.

Quality Time Events :

• Parents spend time with kids explaining or teaching ABCs or Numbers.
• Parents play with kids in the parks, take them to their favorite sport be with them during the sport and discuss with the kids what happened during the play. They encourage and motivate kids by explaining them about the strong points and areas of improvements. Kids feel cool about it as they know that parents are with them all the while and parents are watching them.
• Parents involve kids when they are talking about the family, relatives, friends, religion, travel, etc… so that kids are aware of what parents are thinking and how they are reacting to situations.
• Parents involve their kids (passively) when solving problems (except for some very personal problems). This makes kids think and be aware of the situations that they might be in future and how their parents solved them. They would also develop the discretion power when facing such situations in future.
• Parents knows what their kids are eating for meals and Mother takes care of it personally.
• Parents sit with the kids for the homework and help their kids to solve problems.
• Regularly attend the Parents and Teachers meeting and know the progress of your child in the class and school.

Events that looks like quality time but are killers…

• A maid servant takes care of the food and Parents hardly know about the kids food choices.
• Parents asks kids to do their own school work thinking that the kid would grow independently.
• Drop the kids at swimming class and pick him up later when the class finishes. No one knows what happened at class.
• Bring expensive gifts for kids birthday but don’t have time to ask for what kids like as a gift.
• Don’t have time to appreciate the small, cute drawings by kids. They all get stagnated and just be gone into trash one day.
• They want to tell you little cute stories and you done have time to listen to them or their stories seems to be a total crap.
• You take them to wonderful parties and expensive vacations but they seem to be lost with you. Any 3rd person would tell you that there is some gap between you and your kids but you hardly realize it till end.

By now, i hope and guess you know the different events that i categorize as Quality Time and not. When you spend some Quality time with your kids, you should think of it as giving the future. It’s just not the matter of spending “some” time with them but you are really giving them the whole lot of essential qualities of life. By giving the quality time, we are saying that we Love kids, we are saying that we are Always there for you, we are making kids strong and be prepared for the independent life even without us and finally we are teaching them how they should treat their own kids. Small steps in life takes you a long way. Please don’t see the time you spend with kids as just “hours of time”.

In my life, i will never ever forget how my father spent time with me teaching English and Hindi (Indian language), the way he used to play with me at home with those small toys, the way he used to make me sit in his lap and made me read story books. The way my mom treated me with dignity and pride, the way she took care of me in every small way that she could. The way my sisters, played with me, the way they used to offer me the best of food and toys.

Each hour we spend with our kids is the Love that we give them for rest of their life. Remember that these are the small little moments that our kids always remembers. You make history by remembering the most cherished moments and Not by running through events.